{"id":1979,"date":"2008-02-20T19:51:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-20T19:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/projects\/horsesforsources\/guest-post-john-cleeses-letter-to-america\/"},"modified":"2008-02-20T19:51:00","modified_gmt":"2008-02-20T19:51:00","slug":"guest-post-john-cleeses-letter-to-america","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.horsesforsources.com\/guest-post-john-cleeses-letter-to-america\/","title":{"rendered":"Guest post: John Cleese’s “Letter to America”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Basil_fawlty\"<\/a>I am delighted to announce that today’s guest post is from none other than Mr John Cleese of <\/span>Monty Python<\/span><\/a> and Basil Fawlty folklore.  I’m afraid Mr Cleese has some rather disturbing news for you Americans.  Over to you John….<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Dear Citizens of America,<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
1. You should look up \u201crevocation\u201d in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up \u201caluminium,\u201d and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
2. The letter \u2018U\u2019 will be reinstated in words such as \u2018colour\u2019, \u2018favour\u2019 and \u2018neighbour.\u2019 Likewise, you will learn to spell \u2018doughnut\u2019 without skipping half the letters, and the suffix \u201cize\u201d will be replaced by the suffix \u201cise.\u201d<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
3. You will learn that the suffix \u2018burgh\u2019 is pronounced \u2018burra\u2019; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as \u2018Pittsberg\u2019 if you find you simply can\u2019t cope with correct pronunciation.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up \u201cvocabulary\u201d). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as \u201clike\u201d and \u201cyou know\u201d is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
5. There is no such thing as \u201cUS English.\u201d We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter \u2018u\u2019 and the elimination of \u201c-ize.\u201d<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, \u201cGod Save The Queen\u201d,<\/div>\n
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. February 25th will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called \u201cCome-Uppance Day.\u201d<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you\u2019re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you\u2019re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you\u2019re not grown up enough to handle a gun.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.<\/p>\n
\"Prime_minister_john_cleese_3\"<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
<\/a>‘<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables\u2026 Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling \u201cgasoline\u201d) – roughly $8\/US per gallon. Get used to it.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called \u201ccrisps.\u201d Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as \u201cbeer,\u201d and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as \u201cLager.\u201d American brands will be referred to as \u201cNear-Frozen Gnat\u2019s Urine,\u201d so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in \u201cFour Weddings and a Funeral\u201d was an experience akin to having one\u2019s ear removed with a cheese grater.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
17. You will cease playing American \u201cfootball.\u201d There is only one kind of proper football; you call it \u201csoccer\u201d. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American \u201cfootball\u201d, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies – English slang for \u201cBig Girls Blouse\u201d).<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the \u201cWorldSeries\u201d for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It\u2019s been driving us mad.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty\u2019s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
Thank you for your co-operation.<\/div>\n
‘<\/span><\/div>\n
John Cleese<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am delighted to announce that today’s guest post is from none other than Mr John Cleese of Monty Python…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[46,95],"tags":[],"organization":[],"ppma_author":[19],"class_list":["post-1979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-absolutely-meaningless-comedy","category-sourcing-locations"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nGuest post: John Cleese's "Letter to America" - Horses for Sources | No Boundaries<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.horsesforsources.com\/guest-post-john-cleeses-letter-to-america\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta 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